I tried to go the whole day without any pills, and then comes the night and�I am wide awake. I am having a withdraw and paniking, resisting to take another. I want to stop and have a normal life. I want to fall asleep without any drugs. Occasions became daily consumpsion. My blood pressure is high and I am trying everything to keep it low. but I cannot stop taking all these pills. Such an unbalanced life cycle I can no longer control. I don't know whats gona happen to me, I just know I have a lot of things to do tomorrow.
I feel like a philosopher today. I'm always thinking about life, that is one thing about me that will always remain, but today life has pushed itself into my mind a bit further. I'm thinking about how lucky I am to be alive, and how glad I am to be around. It's a marvelous thing, life is. As human beings, we are placed face to face with death everyday, but we somehow manage to get by, and on that day that we falter at the face of death, we will finally be free from all of this monotonous struggle. We will be free of having to feel the pain of love, death, and emotion. We will be free from our hardship. � Some people try to make this day come too quickly. Suicide engulfs the thought process of innocent human beings until they can't take the thoughts anymore and finally hurt themselves or even kill themselves to put the thoughts at bay. My mother is one of these people. She is still alive and hopefully well, but she has tried to commit suicide... Numerous times. But she is getting help. She will get better. I have high hopes. �My mother is not the only one, though. My stepfather, my sister, my uncle, all of these people I love and care about so much, have hurt themselves purposely. I live in a house full of negativity, and yet I am above it all. I will not let them get to me, instead, I will help them as much as I can, like I have been doing for the last 11 years. �I knew at a very young age that if I fell down, the whole family falls with me. Like dominos. So ever since I was around 3 years old, I took on the responsibility of keeping my family together, that is my purpose as of right now. Saving souls that have gotten lost along the way, while trying to keep myself in tact. �And still I am misunderstood. If everyone I knew read this, they would understand just at a minimum. They still wouldn't fully understand what I believe in and what I think about. Nobody will ever fully understand how certain I am of myself, yet how little I really know. They won't understand how strongly I feel that it is my obligation�to keep a positive and open mind, in order to keep my life from falling apart. Nobody will ever understand how much I know my family depends on me. �It pains me inside to say this, but all of which is true. No matter how great of a mind was placed upon my shoulders, I will always and forever be underestimated.
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